Mikael's Love Has to Die
Over the recent years that I have dated my only true love and best friend Ella, we've grown together, slept, eaten, laughed and even given each other our virginity. It gives me the greatest sadness to have to announce to this unvisited corner of the Internet; me and Ella are now broken up. Apart. No more together. Period. There are no choices left for me. I tried my best to give all the love I have in my heart to her. I tried to please her in every imaginable way. I gave my trust I gave my heart. My best friend. The one who is an irreplaceable gift to this world and I am lucky enough to be a small part of her life as a friend. Though unwilling, I had to accept her reasons for breaking up. I'm too kind. I let her leave with no friction. As a matter of fact, as easy as I made it, for her it was a great challenge to split in two. She's a brave little kitten. Times were difficult, we were both living our lives (Ella's more so than mine) in two separate places with a big gap between us. Me in London and her at Brighton. She left to study learn and experience new things, meet new people and start a new life for the next 4 years. I supported her as much as I could with these targets in mind but I didn't realise how much of a new life she wanted or at least now has discovered. She's shed her skin. She's moved on. Life isn't the same without her. I needed her more than me, it's true though I also believe there's nothing that I can't do and especially when it comes to the relationship I had that I cherished so much, my drive to succeed was second to none. She was and still is an inspiration. Even the break up is almost inspiring to some degree even when I disagree with the choice. She's so sure that this isn't the end of the line. She wants freedom. She wants to be single. She wants.. She wants.. I give, give and give till it's all gone. She's so sure that there are others to date that'll make such a good couple possibly even better than us. She was my first girlfriend. Now she's my ex. This is all new to me. There is no more of a simple answer than: She doesn't want to be with me. That is the total of all the reasons she's given me. I just am shocked by the fact someone can risk something really great but letting it go, chucking it away like it's nothing. I couldn't without enough consideration or communication between my partner till we agreed on an outcome. Thing is with Ella. She had to run away after cutting deep into me. She was scared. She felt it was right. In the past we've had our little breakups.. It had always been me ending it then realising how special we were to one another or at least she was to me! So in the past when we had 'ended' it, I'd stick by her till the tears stopped falling and I had made her smile again. Inexperienced as I am, I believed it to be the best way to do it. Ella on the other hand, let me know the lay of the land within seconds of me walking into the room. She burst into tears saying how she didn't want to be together any more. I expected a 'Hi', a kiss and a lovely hug. None were received and what was, was completely unexpected! It tore me down. I wanted to hug and kiss her. I couldn't. She had shown a side of her that I was scared of. A side so certain and decided upon the rejection of my love. I couldn't bare it. I had to sit and try and reason whilst going around loops of thought in my mind endlessly. It was a mixture of murmur and moans that I exuded from my lips. I couldn't accept it. I pleaded for her to reconsider me but within 30 minutes time she had gone in the hope it'd be better for both of us. From that day on for about under a week I sent her numerous texts suggesting why we should be together.. The reasons for getting through university for each other. The reasons why we work. Nothing phased the girl and that fact alone just was so shocking and I couldn't understand why. As obvious as it was.. I didn't want to accept what she had said through body language and words. I made sure those words didn't go to where they were supposed to. I kept faith texting and reminding her.. Listing and outlining the reasons of our success so far and the future. Love is such a peculiar thing. It made me put trust in myself to give my sensitive core to her soft hands to nurture. I didn't think twice about limiting what I gave her almost as if I didn't see breaking up as a likely outcome. Next time I should lend it, not give it. I know she didn't want to cause pain I understand, there's not much of a way around these kind of things. Even after 4 years or more things can turn around and kick you down. Why did it last so long for such an unjustified break-up? Nonetheless it's a clear reminder of why I have erected barriers around me and hidden inside myself. Love has done enough damage through my life. It's really tormented my heart. My goal is to love, share, give, care, listen, help and enjoy what others give back. It's a shame I have to hide in this place I've created and leave clues on the outside in the hope someone will pick them up and take a look inside this place. I have the will to change but the core is so sensitive so it's only inevitable that pain will occur. I think I'm just not brave enough to go through or overcome things like this. It was a true miracle someone so perfect peeped in those years ago. That's not an overstatment. Someone that I grew to know and grew to love. It's amazing it got so far! We didn't even know each other though how she came across in personality and body language felt warm, kind, bubbly and friendly. It blew my heart and my mind someone was really interested in me! I still remember vividly my first kiss. My first sensual touch of a girl. Being Mikael, I was hiding in another room from my friends and the girls (eek!) and she had come through the door.. she saw me there.. she approached me and she gave me the most memorable kiss of my life. I was so unexpected and so perfect fulfilling my hopes of her liking me. The coming days were terrifying almost avoiding her with the fear she'd bite or remember that we actually kissed! It seemed at the time the biggest challenge that I'd have to face. Shamefully I didn't face it face to face. I found out that one of her ex's had called her up to ask her out. This was perfect for me. I could do it from inside my hideout! In the end we were a couple and this magical memorable and unforgettable journey had begun. Another word about this whole thing and I'll never stop. I am swallowing the truth. I'm forgetting my love, the sparks are dying though every now and then I blow wishfully on them to help them burn. She's my only true friend. The only one I can share myself with 100%. The only one that I can trust 100%. The one I loved 100%. I am doing my best to rid of the latter fully. There's nothing more to do than move on. Forget what luxuries the rejection of love has denied me. I'm forcefully denying any truth in the fact we we're and could be great. I'm halting any effort to love her. All is against my wants and needs. I have to. There is no way out. Any other choice and this friendship could be destroyed. It would be the equivalent of her dying to me perception if we lost contact conpletely. The stakes are high. I've not won. She hasn't in many ways but in a few she has. We both lost something great. We fit perfectly like two cogs just Ella wanted to stop turning them with me. So I must pretend that we're splitting in two for reasons worthy of changing fact into fiction.~ Mikael xXx
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Labels: Ella Mikael Love Pain Memories
posted by Raener @ 6:45 PM
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